Family Jewels (aka Barry Munday): This is somewhat of a confusing movie. Somewhere in here there is a good 
movie trying to get out but its not quite sure what it wants to be. It starts off like a fairly amusing Shallow Hal esque comedy with Patrick Wilson giving a surprisingly comedic performance as wannabe ladies man Barry Munday. Together with his friend who is also a bit of a wannabe, he cruises bars and restaurants after work on a Friday looking for sex. Usually they end up in a strip club so you get the idea of how deluded they are. Then one day in a movie theatre Barry very nearly crosses the line from womanizer to full blown sex pest and gets a trumpet to the testacles for his trouble. He wakes up in hospital having had his two reasons for living removed and no memory of how this occurred. This is where the movie takes a turn into black comedy territory with all the situations that would occur previously that would make Barry behave a certain way having no effect on him and him having a lot more free time. Barry is then contacted by the lawyers of a partner from a one night stand a few months before advising him that he is the father of the woman’s unborn child. Having realized that this is now the only chance he has at ever having a child he contacts the woman and finds that Ginger (Judy Greer) is something of a disappointment. She berates him constantly and he tries and tries to be nice to her constantly all the while avoiding the attentions of her stripper sister Jennifer (Chloe Sevigny). Once the baby is born the film becomes something like a warm comedy along the lines of a Cameron Crowe film before becoming somewhat predictable and petering out. Its not that this is a bad film at all because it isn’t, just a little consistency in the tone would have gone a long way. Patrick Wilson is really good here, so far he has just played creepy guys and troubled family men. Getting to play the comedic lead in a film like this was a good step and is a good sign that he will have some longevity to his career. Judy Greer (vulnerable) and Chloe Sevigny (slutty) are also really solid as is the underrated Shea Whigham as Barry’s even more hopeless friend. There is some enjoyment to be had from this film but it really feels like it should have been better material. Its not a bad rental prospect if you are stuck on a weekend. Special mention to the soundtrack by Jude Christodal which is full of brilliant songs and that I cannot find on iTunes! **
Sharktopus: Y’know some days I think I need to be more discerning when it comes to my viewing choices. I love a low 
budget lark thats good on a few beers. One of my best experiences was watching The Toxic Avenger whilst drinking on Christmas Day in 1995. Its with this experience in mind that I decide whether or not to give low budget schlock a chance. Every now and then I get it right, Piranha 3D, The Tournament or Wrong Turn 2 spring to mind as being great whilst loaded.There again sometimes a clanger drops through my letterbox. This month it is Sharktopus, two words smashed together that should equal awesome but instead equal uninspired and lazy crap. This is produced by Roger Corman who has made some crap to be sure but is also capable of the low budget greatness that can lead to Battle Beyond The Stars so I thought I would give it a chance. I was hoping for something so bad it was great but its just so bad its bad. This film has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I’m of the opinion that if you have NO BUDGET then you don’t use CGI, use what you have and make good use of cheap practical effects and camera trickery. Sharktopus looks ridiculous, rendered on a Commodore Amiga and dropped into scenes where a cardboard cut out would be more menacing whilst an actor squirms comically as fake tentacles wrap round them. Now you are probably thinking that a film named Sharktopus isn't meant to be taken seriously and yes you are right. To that I would say, Is James Gunn's Slither supposed to be taken seriously? No but it has awesome practical effects and minimal effective CGI and as a result is a blast. Sharktopus’s story is that Eric Roberts plays some kind of contracted government bozo who creates the perfect killing machine by cross breeding a shark and an octopus. He and his cute nerdy daughter control it through some kind of brain implant harness type of gizmo, which predictably comes off and Sharktopus goes on the rampage picking off hard bodied hotties along the beach in admittedly amusing fashion. The Military get the hump, charge Roberts with recapturing the creature and he in turn employs some meat head who has the hots for his daughter to go get it so that he can spend the rest of the film drinking scotch and thinking ‘this isn’t how Christopher Nolan would do it, I wonder why he hasn’t called…’. After that set up the film becomes tedious with scene after scene of Sharktopus walking on land and bad actors screaming at a bunch of pixels that aren't there. Even if someone drunkenly suggest watching this one evening, Don’t. Instead go to a strip club and get fish and chips on the way home. Sure you’ll feel guilty and kind of sick but; same effect, more fun. *
The Man From Nowhere: Wow, despite being a film who’s plot is cribbed together from elements of Leon, Man On 
Fire, Kill Bill and many others; The Man from Nowhere is the best action film for a while and again an example of South Korea’s general mastery of the cinematic art form. The plot concerns a mysterious man who runs a pawn shop and forms a weird friendship with the put upon abused moppet next door. Said moppets mother is a bit of a tart and a stripper and somehow gets involved in a police sting gone wrong and with her pimp/boyfriend they make off with a load of cocaine that belongs to some gangsters. The woman is murdered, the child kidnapped and mystery man is framed with her body in the trunk of a car he is driving. Its not long before he breaks out of jail and goes on a roaring rampage of revenge to find the missing child and bring down the mob. See the man has a dark past involving secret intelligence styled brutality. Its Man on Fire without the cameraman having an epileptic fit and thats what's so damn refreshing about this movie. The camera stays still and the fight scenes and car chases are still exciting as hell. There are so many moments that will make you gasp at how cool it all is, including a scene where the cameraman is seemingly behind the main character as he runs down a corridor and dives out a window with the camera following him out the window and all the way down to the ground its very clever and looks phenomenal. There are also about six or so awesome knife fights including one in a toilet cubicle which was brutal and the final fight scene against about six knife welding punks. The whole thing could have been corny and awful but its just fantastic and a great piece of Friday night entertainment. Keep an eye on director Jeong Beom Lee, he could be the next John Woo and also the star Bin Won, who is without doubt gifted with the art of stillness making him a cool leading man in the vein of Chow Yun Fat. ****
Tekken: Under no circumstances ever see this movie. This is without doubt one of the worst pieces of shit in cinematic 
history. Everything about it is hopelessly inept, the choreography, the script, the music…Its like someone took one of the worst straight to video films from the early 90’s and gave it an early noughties remake with a nu-metal soundtrack and some frankly ridiculous cyberpunk backdrops which would have been dated in 1995. John Foo or whoever who plays our protagonist is one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen in a lead role, sounding as if he is reading off cue cards the entire time. When the lead actor is out performed by Gary Daniels, one of the straight to video ‘stars’ of the 90’s then you know you are in trouble. The female lead Kelly Overton gives a soft-core porn level performance and every outfit she wears is designed to accentuate her ass crack (I'm not making this up) The main plot is basically the video game with some half assed government conspiracy malarkey around it. It even looks like the video game just with live action actors but they have crafted a ‘story’ around it so you may as well play the game. Even Luke Goss is slumming it here. Avoid – no stars
by Chris Holt
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